| just wanted to let you nkow.. |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|01:05 pm] |
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im okay, things are going alright and hopefully soon well be settled in.
its really warm here...
i do miss some people, quite a bit.
and hopefully once i get settled a few of you can come visit.
i cant wat for autumn to get here. :)
my cell phones out for now, my charger shot out and my phone wont turn on so i lost everyones numbers and i dont nkow who has called...
so...leave your number and i can call you...
miss everyone. |
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| IF I LEAVE HERE TOMMORROW, WOULD YOU STILL REMEMBER ME? |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|05:50 pm] |
No, no you wont. I'll be nothing in less than two weeks. and my existance wont matter.
Well, everyone. It's that time again. For me to go. Time for me to leave. I have no intrest in anything or anyone anymore.
Im going back to florida. I leave on the 27th, in the am.
Im probably not coming back this time because as far as it goes, i have no reason too. I have no family here now, and i sure as hell really don't have any friends. pretty much everyone reading this can honestly say that they aren't around. besides like, one. which i appreciate more than anything.
i've tried to hard for the past years to even bother to give a fuck anymore. your all just as worthless as i am.
but you guys go ahead and keep on pretending life is peachy fucking keen okay?
it'll get you so far.
goodluck worthless people of carthage.
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| Get some words out, eh. |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|04:29 pm] |
Well, alot has been going on.
Alot of me getting screwed over that is.
Work, ''friends'', family, health, realationships.
It all fucking blows big fucking dick.
Well, my manager has been screwing me over on my hours as of late. He's been giving me ten hour shifts, all by myself, on a friday or saturday night. That's not fucking cool. Especially when I get to leave at one o'fucking clock in the morning, and he opens the next morning, and calls me a fucking failure and makes up lies to get me in trouble because he's pissed off at me. Fucking jerk.
My friends, pfff. Are there even any fucking left? You all fuck me over. So why should I care. Im fucking nice to everyone and im so sick of it now. You could put me up but you wont. So fine, fuck you. I only give you guys money when needed, packs of ciggarettes. I clean your fucking apartment. For what. For some shitty fucking friends. So whatever. Im leaving for florida next month anyways.
Family, well, they blocked me off from the downstairs kind of. they put a big curtain over the hallways to the upstairs so no heat goes up there. so my bedroom is 30-35 degrees give or take. kind of fucking cold. there's alot more but mosy of that is really personal, and well none of you give a fuck anyways.
Im sick as a dog. Phnemonia again probably. Who cares though, my doctor had me out of that office in less than ten min. So thanks budddyy, i only needed anti-depressants sick medicine and a brainwash. fucker. ''come back in a month'' my eyes keep fucking up and my sinuses, even worse.
Relationships...
all i have to say on that part, is fuck every single one of you. Every single living breathing crawling person on this fucking earth.
I hope your all happy.
Sorry, well, im not sorry. I've gotten bitter.
Im leaving on either november 11th, or november 24th. And, well. Im not sorry to say. Im not coming back this time. And it doesn't matter who wants me to come back. Sorry. I wont ever do anything for you again.
Walking away.
It's not the same as running.
Is it to you now that you've run in this ground.
And you say take this.
This medicine is just what you deserve.
Swallow, choke, and die.
And this bitter pill is leaving you
with such an angry mouth.
One that's void of all discretion
such an awful tearing sound.
With it's measure only equal by the power of my stare
glaring over you and over you this feeling of despair
is never wearing out.
It's wearing off
and it's leaving you with such a heavy heart
and a head to match.
The bottle is waiting
the cap is twisted begging to be used
and so are you.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|04:42 pm] |
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They slit our throats
Like we were flowers
And our milk has been
devoured
When you want it
it goes away too fast
Times you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think
You're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me
I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day
I wish I could sleep
But I can't lay on my back
Because there's a knife
For everyday that I've known you
When you want it
it goes away too fast
Times you hate it
It always seems to last
But just remember when you think
You're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me
I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day
Lie to me, cry to me, give to me
I would
Lie with me, die with me, give to me
I would
Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair
I hope at least we die holding hands
For always
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|01:58 pm] |
so far from intresting.
i work.
i work.
i work more..
i work more...
and im going to be homeless..
but i work.....
hard. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|04:31 pm] |
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I can't feel this way much longer
Expecting to survive
With all these hidden innuendoes
Just waiting to arrive
It's such a wavy midnight
When you slip into insane
Electric angel rock and roller
I hear what you're playing
It's an orangey sky
Always it's some other guy
It's just a broken lullaby
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Substitution mass confusion
Clouds inside my head
Were fogging all my energies
Until you visited
Eyes of porcelain and blue
Could shock me into sense
You think you're so illustrious
You call yourself intense
It's an orangey sky
Always it's some other guy
It's just a broken lullaby
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
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| it's about time. that you got sick of me. |
[Aug. 19th, 2007|02:32 pm] |
So I think it's still so funny that people wont stop rubbing shit in my face.
I've never done anything bad to racheal. NEVER.
And she acts so nice like shes my friend. Fucking fake.
So, i mean whats the point of causing me more pain that you already have. You all made me lose everyone before. and i fucking left.
Now your going to call people on a whim because im there and tell them not to sleep with me. Fuck you.
i've slept with 3 people since before florida. and i was dating them at the time.. i dont fucking sleep around so fuck you.
i mean. it's not fucking funny.
did she even know about the times when all of you hated her. and talked bad about her. but i was still her friend. hmm. fuck you.
well. i hope you all get to feel this way one day. it fucking sucks and reeally fucking hurts.
treat others the way you'd like to be treated. so guess what. whoever treats me like shit. will get treated like shit just as well.
Maybe i should just go back to florida. it's obvious nobody wanted me back in honesty anyways. you all just said it because it was something to say. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|08:24 pm] |
I get to see a pretty boy tonight!
yay.
It's been like 5 months. Im excited! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|09:42 pm] |
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So me and Dan broke up.
It was retarded.
I woke up and all his stuff was gone, and I knew what it meant.
He came back to my house with my c.d.s and purse and I yelled at him threw his stupid trash bag at him and told him to get the fuck out.
The end.
So I guess im rid of more stress.
At least I don't have to support someone now when he run's out of money.
Stupid fucker.
Anyways, I guess im going to antwerp tommorrow morning, then tommorrow night im gonna go ride horses or whatever.
I might be getting an apt. with Adam which will be magical because he gets foodstamps so we don't have to buy food and I also won't have to pay bills. All i'll have to do is pitch for drugs and shit.
I might go down to florida in september with my family but I need a friend to go with me because , my family said if i go I can have the jeep and drive back, but I don't want to drive back alone.
But adam has a second car that I can use if I don't find anyone to take a couple day trip to florida with.
I was upset earlier. But, I feel better. Fuck that fucker. He was a stupid waste of time and I lost a friend because of it.
Magical. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2007|05:09 pm] |
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I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I dont want to be your downtime
I dont want to be your stupid game
With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe Ill find myself a new place
I dont want to be the bad guy
I dont want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
Go and try and shake away this disease
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die
I am still dreaming of your face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I dont want to be your good time
I dont want to be your fall-back crutch anymore
Ill walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I dont want to be the bad guy
I dont want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone
We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2007|06:07 pm] |
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Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2007|05:47 pm] |
Pfff. That's stupid.
Hey! I get paid tommmorrow!!! Yay!
So even though i probably have two jobs now my parents still act like im the most worthless thing alive.
Oh, so i was thinking about going to get my cat this week. Remember niggerbaby?
Yeah, well i get this message today.
''Jamie sorry to tell you your nigger baby is dead. Nate and christian decided to tie a ziploc bag around his head''
That was all. It was quite upsetting because i was really gonna go get my kittie. Allllll i fucking talked about for the past three days was my cat and how much i miss him.
And now he's dead because people are fucking immature.
Everyones immature these days.
Im glad im trying to make a living now. Im doing it for me. And i can tell you straight up, i fucking work hard damnit.
Oh, plus. I refuse to have like a livejournal battle of wits or whatever you'd like to call it. So this is my only replying message. If you don't like me and feel that it's going to get you somewhere by calling me names. By far go ahead. It's not hurting me much. If people don't want to let the past be past, that's there choice. Personally. Past is past. Call me a whore. Im not a whore. So. I mean as long as i know whats true. Then im fine. Past is over, i've restarted and i also REFUSE to be with more than ONE person at a time. That doesn't make me a whore. That's about as simple as i can put it. The only other thing i have to say is. You may hate me but i still like you, you may want to kick my ass but i wont hit you back if you hit me. It's not worth it and it's completely stupid. Hey, you may want me to slit my wrists. But you know what. I'd take a bullet for you just as easy. That's the way i leave it. Because im not involving myself in this whole wrapped up carthage drama bull. So i mean. The only way we have a problem is if you'd like to come on the property, or if you continuously threaten me. And hell, the most i'll do is get a restraining order. That simple. The end. But, hey. Have a nice life. And im still being more than serious. No pun intended.
Oh, and as for the fact your the only that didn't talk about me while i was in florida? Okay. I don't think i care. Like i said. People go ahead let the past hang. It just breaks you down, not me. So if everyone talked about me while i was away? Go for you! Because well. As simple to say, i don't care anymore. Your not worth my time.
Thank's. |
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| I might have a second job. |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|04:45 pm] |
My feet hurt.
So i had an interveiw at stefanoes today. I told tony i had a primary job at valero and he said when i get my schedule tommorrow for me to come abcka dn well work around it.
so yup.
i had to make zero effort into getting that job. but i guess i might have it.
hmm.
oh and i need a third renter for this house come september.
me sadie annnndd? |
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| Drama is so retarded. |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|11:41 pm] |
Anyways, so I started my new job today.
Needless to say, im in more pain right now than anything.
Your luck to get a whole minute to sit down there.
We had an intake of over a thousand dollars by 7 pm and i started at 4. That's when me and adam opened our register which starts with 100 dollars no more no less. 1000 dollars by 7! fuck.
So i saw everyone today. And i worked my ass to the bone.
Adam is the sweetest freaking gay guy i've ever met. Haha. He lovvvesss me.
But so i did great today. I mean for all the shit i had to do. I did fucking magical. That is actually one of the hardest freaking jobs. You have nnooo idea.
I still have alot more training.
I work 5pm-10pm tommorrow.
COME VISIT MEEEEE!
Now i need to go find new feet and a new spine. It all hurrrtts.
But hey, guess what! I can now say...
I have a job! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|04:37 pm] |
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I got my first job, im happy camper. valero night shifts. here i come. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|05:56 pm] |
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Hello,
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home
Come on now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
O.K.
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2007|05:47 pm] |
I'll keep you my dirty little secret.
no matter how much it hurts. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|05:16 pm] |
So I wake up.
To realize that i am alone.
I wake up to my father telling me to move out.
I wake up.
to who cares, if i wake up.
pff. not like i have any friends anyways.
Nobody would be there for me if they tried.
you all say you love me miss me blah. blah.blah.
so..when am i gonna realzie that's true.
the day someone decides that they are gonna give a shit about me, is the day when all the animals decide to fly and we grow four legs.
sooo , pff. haha.
whatever, bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|10:07 pm] |
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The circle now has come to it's end
You've found somebody new to change
You try to rearrange-put the girl in a pretty cage
It just shows how brave you are I gave you all and then some more
But that was not enough
I gave and lost and lost and gave
No matter how great the cost Lets see how much this new girl can take
Lets see how long she can be a fake
You know you'll never be satisfied
You're the one that lies
It just shows how great you are
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|10:03 pm] |
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So I stare at the wall,
Feeling everything is wrong
I have lost my heart
To a person who can't be mine
I have fallen in love, with no use
I don't know how I came to be on this cloud
Thinking about your touch, makes me lost my ground
I want to be in your arms again
Holding hands and never leave but...
All I can do is dream about you and me in never land
But all it is, is a fantasy although it's heavenly
It's a teenage dream,
All wrapped in pink and dotted with hearts
I day dream of, what might and could come
But then the truth creeps up on me
And I begin to cry
I wish we never met, then it wasn't so sad
And I'd stop thinking about you but...
(I was walking down the beach honey
The moon is shining oh so bright
I'm looking at the stars
Thinking back on our very last night
Ohh baby, we will forever be apart
I should have told you that we were never meant to be
I knew that from the very start
I'm sorry, I really am)
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